


You Knock Me Out, I Fall Apart

by silver_skins



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: :'( sorry, Allura Grieves, Allura and Lance have a good friendship, Altea (Voltron), Angst, Anxiety, DONT FORGET IT, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Lance has his fair share of 'using humor to cope', Mentioned Alfor (Voltron), Mentioned Coran (Voltron), Mentioned Keith (Voltron), Nightmares, No beta we die like Adam, One Shot, Panic Attacks, haha doesn't this sound like fun?, light fluff, like a lil cotton candy fluff, mostly allura actually frickin' grieving for an entire planet, one week into the show and i think she needs therapy, set after 1x09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29427828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_skins/pseuds/silver_skins
Summary: Set after 1x09."Her mind does a double take on the words 'when her father had been alive' and suddenly it’s very hard to swallow. And it finally does hit her, slams her into a wall with the force of a Galra cruiser, that she is a member of an endangered species."Allura grieves at night. Lance wanted goldfish.
Relationships: Allura & Lance (Voltron), Allura/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	You Knock Me Out, I Fall Apart

It takes a week for the news to really hit her. She and Coran are the last Alteans alive. 

The mice don’t count, she decides. 

It hits her when she’s lying in her bed, thinking about the Paladins. Wondering if Coran has ever seen anything like that when her father had been alive. Perhaps he could tell her what the lions--

Her mind does a double take on the words, _when her father had been alive_ , and suddenly it’s very hard to swallow. And it finally does hit her, slams her into a wall with the force of a Galra cruiser, that she is a member of an endangered species. That everything and everyone she ever loved--no, ever _knew--_

Is gone.

You cannot think like this, she scolds, you are a leader now. 

_A leader of what?_ a tiny voice asks, _Of a destroyed planet? Of a dead race? Of the millions upon billions of Alteans that died while you were happily in stasis?_

Her fists clench, nails digging into the palms of her hands. The room suddenly feels much larger than she remembers, and in space, it is much too quiet. Just a huge, empty space with her, all alone. But--but not alone and defenseless, she tries to remind herself, she has her will. Her perseverance. Her mental strength and ability to move past any obstacle. 

_You think so?_ Taunts the tiny voice, _where’s all that now?_

She needs some air. 

She bursts out of her bedroom, practically gasping, eyes stinging, but she refuses to let herself cry. No matter how much pressure she’s under, how much stress she’s in, if it’s pulling at her, drowning her, filling her mind with poison--

She. Will _not_. Break. Down. 

Allura gulps down some of the Castle’s synthetic oxygen, but it doesn’t help relieve the knot in her chest or the tears threatening to spill out. This was just something else she needed to come to terms with. Just like...the fact that she was ten thousand and nineteen. Just like the fact her father was dead. Just like the fact that Zarkon would, inevitably, return. 

She covers her mouth to stop the sobbing, staring out the window and into space. 

No, she just had to shove it down. They were all facts. Facts that had happened, facts that she couldn’t prevent, events in the course of time that she couldn’t change. That was was the end of that, and she never had to think about it again. 

She wipes away her tears rather shakily, trying to breathe. She had to be strong, for the paladins. None of them wanted a broken leader, yet, that’s what she was, wasn’t it? Broken--or close to it anyway...maybe _cracked_ was a better word for it. 

She was cracked, and the cracks were slowly spreading. 

“Uh, princess?” Through the reflection on the glass pane, she spots Lance, head tilted with curiosity.

She ducks her head. “Y-yes, Lance? Is your lion all right?” she manages, hating how her voice quakes slightly.

He shrugs. “Yeah, it’s just...you’re up late. Or, early, I guess. Everything okay?” 

“I’m perfectly fine.” She lies effortlessly, which is new. “What are _you_ doing up?” 

“Midnight snack.” He clarifies this by pulling out a bag of Earth food labeled _Goldfish_. “But, uh, don’t tell Hunk, okay? He’ll go bazonkers.” Lance pauses, staring at her. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Lance…” 

“I, um, can see your reflection in the glass, you know.” And the gentleness of his tone surprises her. “I know you’ve been crying--It’s okay. You have every right. Your planet was destroyed.” 

A pang of, well, nothing short of _agony_ shoots through her heart once more. “It was? Really? Thank you, I hadn’t noticed,” she snaps.

Lance freezes.

Allura bites her lip, wincing slightly at the pain. “I’m...sorry, Lance. I didn’t mean to say that. I’d just prefer to be left alone, if that’s all right.” 

“Are you sure?” he asks. 

She opens her mouth, but pauses. _No,_ the tiny voice in her head says, _No, I’m not. I’d give anything,_ anything _in the universe to cry right now. I wish I could curl up on the ground like a little girl in my father’s arms again. I wish I hadn’t been in stasis. I wish I could be the good leader you all deserve._

_But I can’t._

She clears her throat. “Yes, absolutely.” 

He turns, preparing to leave.

“Actually,” she says, and she doesn’t know why in the world she says it, “Would you mind checking if Coran is awake? There’s a-a matter I’d like to discuss with him.” 

“Yeah, okay,” he manages through a mouthful of goldfish, though she doesn’t miss his worried glance as he turns around the corner. 

He pities her. 

Of course he does. She’s pitiful. Cocky, confident, smirking Lance might not even know what it feels like to be the opposite, and she feels rather glad because of it, knowing he has most likely lived a happy life and barely have had to experience the _other_ feelings.

Being alone.

Alone, insecure, feeling as if he might cry out from anguish at any given point, drowning in despair, or trying so desperately to escape some storm inside his mind, and Allura knows suddenly that she’s not talking about Lance anymore. Her head begins to pound, an unbelievable pressure growing and growing from the scream that she suddenly _needs_ to let out--the force _will_ overtake her, she knows that much, it’s all a matter of how much more is she able to take. 

And...how much more is she able to take?

Not much more. 

Her hands begin to tremble again, worse this time, and her chest tightens. She’s practically useless, isn’t she? Just an extra piece that let down her planet and disappointed her family. A complete, _utter_ , failure. 

The burden pushes down on her once more, and the delicate cracks in her mind split apart as she falls to her knees, no longer able to hold back the torrent of tears that now spills from her eyes. It quickly, quickly becomes sobbing, as she lowers her head in mourn, grieving for her people, a people that maybe she could have saved. Grieving for all the innocents that lost their lives to the hand of Zarkon. Grieving for her father, and yes, a little bit of grief for herself, no matter how selfish it felt. She was pathetic, breaking down in the lounge, when she was _supposed_ to be leading those people. How can she have ever considered that she was worthy of a lion? Which lion would ever choose... _her_?

Allura leans her head back against the wall, pulling her knees up to her chest, tears continuing to mark their way down her cheeks because it hurt, oh god, it hurt. And because of that, she simultaneously hated it and welcomed it with open arms. 

“Princess!” 

She vaguely recognizes the voice of who she thinks is Coran, until the visitor slides next to her and places a comforting hand on her back and that’s when she realizes it’s not Coran at all but Lance again. And barely even thinking, she leans against him and sobs, and he’s sitting there rather awkwardly (he doesn’t particularly know what to do when a girl is weeping in his arms). 

He does, whether intentionally or not, do exactly what she needs him to do, and that’s hold her. No trying to get her to stand up, no whispering false promises of “it’s going to be okay” or cracking jokes, just simply... _holding_ her. _Being_ there. Leaning against _her_ a little bit too and letting her cry into his jacket.

And when she’s finally calmed down, he doesn’t pull away and ask if she wants to talk about it or if she’s all right because they both know she’s not. Instead he just stands up wordlessly, keeping her head tucked against his chest, and wraps his arms tightly around her. Not in any kind of flirty way, but in the sense of a reminder that someone is there for her. She returns the gesture nearly immediately, the tears returning and beginning to prick at her eyes and though yes, some were still sad, they were tears of gratitude.

Lance lets her cry some more, his hold tightening into a firm hug. And with each tear that falls the cracks in her head begin to heal a little bit, until she’s built up a solid enough resolve to stop them. It’s then that she realizes he’s brought her back to her bedroom, though the light violet walls don’t seem nearly as menacing anymore. 

She sees him open his mouth and expects some kind of _Things get better_ talk, or _I’ll leave you alone_ or something, but instead he softly says, “You are one of the strongest people I know, Allura, and I’ve only known you for like, a week, so that’s saying something.”

“I don’t... _feel_ very strong,” she admits.

“Then how _do_ you feel?” 

She wants to say ‘fine’, and put an end to the conversation, but knows she’s gone too deep for that. She wants Lance to stop worrying about her--she doesn’t exactly deserve it, and he’s right, they’ve only known each other for a week. But some of her also wants to answer truthfully and say she feels more lost than she ever knew was possible. 

Lost, alone, and helpless. 

She realizes her eyes have begun to well up when Lance wipes away the water on her cheeks, and she takes a breath. “I have no home. I suppose I haven’t had a home in ten thousand years. My father and everyone I loved are gone, and Coran and I are the last of our people.”

He raises his eyebrows and, after ten seconds of silence, lets out a long, low whistle. “That sucks, huh.” 

“I suppose so.” 

Lance shakes his head, smirking. “No, no nononono, I mean that of all the people to be stuck with, you got...Coran? I mean, _yikes!_ Ten thousand years with _that_ guy? _”_

Allura manages a smile. “Oh, Coran’s not _that_ bad.” 

“I dunno. That mustache is pretty ominous.” Lance leans back on the bed, propping himself up with his elbows. “But, uh, correct me if I’m wrong, there’s a huge part of this you’re not telling me about that’s maybe not just about your planet, and maybe you don’t want to talk about it, but trust me, you’ll feel better once you do.”

She looks away so he won’t see the fear bubbling up in her eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Lance.” 

He frowns. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean...I don’t know what to do. I was in stasis while my species was killed off, and while Zarkon gained power...we have all the lions now, which is good, I suppose. But what else am I here for? My planet is gone because I wasn’t there to rule. And I’m supposed to lead the paladins, but I’m afraid I just _can’t_.” Her voice breaks. “I thought maybe I’d have a lion, maybe I’d be able to help out, but...I don’t. I can no longer follow in my father’s footsteps. And Zarkon, he might--” she chokes on the words.

Lance is quiet. 

“I just--I don’t know.” Allura wipes her cheeks with her sleeves in a very un-princessy manner. “I feel I’ve let everyone down. The Alteans, the paladins, all the planets that are now conquered by the Galra...I don’t remember ever feeling so _helpless_ ….or alone.” 

She feels his hand on her shoulder. “Allura...you can’t carry the weight of the universe on your shoulders. Nobody can. Well, nobody _should_. And you’ve barely had any time to grieve, not to mention sleep. I-I’m not saying this’ll all be fixed with a good’s night rest, but I do think it’d help. And in the meantime...” he raises her chin so they’re eye-to-eye. “You’re an invaluable member of our team. And you’re not alone. You’ve got the paladins, Coran, and you’ve got me. Let us take some of that burden for you.” 

“But--” 

Lance stands up, wagging his finger. “Ah-ah-ah, no buts. You can’t be strong every minute of every day. And if you do need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen, I’m just down the hall.” 

Allura stares after him as he opens the door, his figure silhouetted against the hallway light. “Thank you, Lance. That really means a lot.”

“For the record,” He pauses, or maybe hesitates, just as the door is about to close, and continues in a much softer voice. “...I-I’m no stranger to what you’re feeling. It...it feels bad. It feels like you can’t do anything, like your worthless, or like the world would go on fine without you.” Lance turned back, and she could see his eyes were slightly wet. “But that feeling is wrong. You are worth something, a _lot_ , to someone, somewhere. And you can do anything you set your mind to. But it’s also important to know that you don’t need to do amazing things to be amazing, and you don’t have to constantly prove yourself to everyone. It’s okay, y’know, to fail every once in a while. I think it’s good for you.” 

Allura could barely breathe. 

“It’s...not difficult to tell you’re hard on yourself,” Lance continues, “Or that you must be under a lot of pressure. I just want to be someone you know you can rely on, that you can trust. I-I know I joke around a lot, and I’m a goofball most of the time, but I’m completely serious about this. And you should know that you’ve made four new friends.”

She smiles, trying to find the words to thank him. All she can manage is, “...Four?”

He scoffs in the dark. “Oh, please. I’m pretty sure Keith’s a Galra at some level. Anyways, goodnight.” 

The door closes. 

The room is quiet. 

But Allura doesn’t feel alone anymore. She feels...sad. The good kind. The bittersweet kind. For her planet, for her friends, for all the lovely memories that accompany them. 

There was truth to Lance’s words, she realizes. 

_I can’t do it all, but...maybe and that’s all right_ . _Maybe they can help me._

_Maybe I won’t be alone anymore._

**Author's Note:**

> Please PLEASE leave a comment! It means a lot :O.
> 
> Yea, it's old, that's why it's so hella dramatic. 
> 
> tho, I seriously am beyond interested as to what u thought or if i missed something on the re-read. thank you! :)


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